Integrity: A Journey Through the Labyrinth
Ugh, I was so frustrated! They had cancelled on me AGAIN, for what seemed like the 150th time this YEAR! I thought to myself, “ WHY are they doing this to ME? They must remember how upset I got last time (like last weekend!!) I deserve better than this, don’t I?”
Stop. Rewind. See, I have this friend and my goodness do we have a lot of laughs, we love to dance, cook amazing food, and play in the garden. When we are together, time just stops and when we make plans…well, they really struggle to follow through. For a long time, I took this behavior very personally…I got upset and lashed out with hopes of inciting change. You guessed it, that DID NOT work.
I wondered, “Are they just pretending to have fun with me and why does this bother me so much anyway?” First off, no one can pretend THAT good and secondly…it all comes down to differing values and one primary value of mine: Integrity.
So now that I had nailed it down: my friend lacks integrity and integrity, otherwise known as ‘walking your talk,’ is a primary value of mine. The choice was easy: axe my fun friend out of my life, RIGHT?! Not so easy, because, well, I actually don’t have a ton of friends that love to laugh, dance, cook, and garden all at the same time and this one friend, well, I love ‘em a lot and we’ve known each other for a very long time. Not such an easy choice to make.
My conundrum actually was not that my friend has, or is, a problem, rather we have different values. My value of integrity was out of alignment (not because integrity is not one of their primary values) because by repeating the cycle of making plans with someone who constantly cancels (and frequently forgets) and then getting mad about it, I was not walking my own talk. I was being incongruent: tolerating a frustrating situation, making excuses for a long term friendship, and not respecting my value of integrity. If I make plans with someone, I follow through, barring an emergency. I block my time. By enabling incongruent behavior, I was, in essence, guilty by association. Something needed to change.
Luckily for me (and my friendship), I had just the tool!
In any drama ridden, toxic situation you have 5 choices:
Remain a victim to the situation (I was definitely done playing this role)
Leave the situation (I wasn’t sure this was what I wanted long-term)
Change the situation (This takes an agreement by both parties, clearly that was not happening)
Accept the situation as it is (This would not change the incongruence)
Change your perception of the situation (Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner!)
But HOW?
I knew this choice would mean making some sacrifices, at least short term. I was willing, especially since the next best option was giving up all together and losing a dear friend. So, I decided to stop the drama, stop trying to change, fix, or get my friend to ‘see it my way’ and start setting some clear boundaries (mostly with myself.) Changing your perception is often not a one-and-done decision, nor does it happen overnight. It takes dedication, awareness, and a willingness to mess up and then try again. This is called a Mastery Mindset, because over time you will master the new behavior, belief, practice, etc and build confidence. In contrast, a Performance Mindset assumes if you mess up once, you are automatically a failure. Performance Mindset perpetuates victimhood.
Slowly, I stopped putting myself in a position where my friend could cancel or forget. I stopped taking it personally when they did: realizing that while integrity is at the top of my values list, my friend has other primary values, like commitment to work and family, that outweigh plans with me. I shifted my ways of connecting: while planning comes easily to me, my friend thrives in the spur of the moment. Now, if we run into each other, chat on the phone or over text, or stop by to say Hi!; we catch up, have a few good laughs, and then move on with our day. Most importantly, I am now in alignment with my value of integrity. This level of alignment is drawing relationships into my life with people that are walking their talk with integrity, free of angst and drama.
Where on the value scale (1-10) does integrity land for you? (For me it is about a 9.5)
How aligned are you with this value in your life?
What changes could you make this week to come into closer alignment with ‘walking your talk’?
I want to hear from you…schedule a complimentary Strategy Session below and let’s kick start your journey towards greater alignment!
