The T Word
Over the years, I have made vision boards which are, basically, images and words or phrases cut from magazines. It is an intuitive exercise. I flip through the old periodicals, calendars, and mailers I find around the house and clip whatever lights my fire in that moment. Then, I take all of the clippings and begin to arrange them on a piece of cardboard, creating a story around what I am wanting to manifest or release in my life, both presently or in the near future. As I move across the board, the shapes, colors, and themes begin to shift and develop. Next, I glue them down. Once again, things will shift. Images and/or words are added or removed in the process. Finally, I seal it all with Mod-Podge and voila! I have a lovely piece of artwork and a manifestation tool to work with throughout the year, season, or until it feels complete. Usually, many months, or up to a year later, I burn it in a ceremonial culminating conflagration.
This year, I made a vision board for the first time in a handful of years and it has several themes: Business and personal development, love and relationship, adventure and spirituality. Empowering words and phrases began to pop out: trust, balance, flourish, authentic community, and gracious teacher, among others. I generally use a great deal of nature imagery and animal totems. I have long studied animal symbolism. As a biologist, animals, plants, and geologic formations inspire me. On this particular vision board, I sheepishly placed the image of a man—not just any man! I found this image in a Nat Geo article about Gladiators. This modern day human is a reenactor of the ancient games. To me, this man represents the sacred masculine: an integration of strong masculine traits with an acceptance and awareness of his emotional and intuitive instincts.
Recently, I have spent a lot of time thinking about the type of partnership I want to receive. I am about as single, straight, and independent as a woman can be, and I have been that way for the last decade. Before that, I had a few long term relationships, one marriage, but none of them were ideal. I was acting out shared trauma and was mostly unaware of my own shit that I brought to the table. After my marriage crumbled swiftly in 2012, I decided to really get to know myself and focus on healing and growing. Today, in 2022, I look nearly identical on the outside, yet on the inside, I feel barely recognizable to who I used to be. I know I am ready to step into a healthy partnership and this image represents the potential of that to me.
Notice the word “trust” over his heart, over the lion’s paw. In dating over the last decade, trust has been the biggest barrier to entering a long-term relationship. Trust, or lack thereof, bombards nascent love affairs from every angle:
Do I trust myself to pick a worthy suitor?
Do I trust him to be kind and honest? To have my best interests at heart?
Does he trust me enough to open his heart?
Do I trust that I can open mine?
All of this questioning eventually devolves into worry, self-sabotage, and withdrawal.
Whether anxious or avoidant, the outcome is the same: a longing for connection and a fear to actually go there.
So how do we build trust within ourselves and allow trust to grow between us and another?
Here are some examples of things that have worked for me:
Patience! Yep, I am starting out with a heavy hitter, friend. Patience is challenging for humans, especially in this time of instant gratification. We want it now and we want to know we can depend on it not to change. This is correlated to control and the relinquishing thereof. Being patient with yourself and another eases stress and the addiction to worry.
Take nothing personally. If you can read this post, it is highly likely you have experienced some form of trauma in your life. Trauma leads people to behave in bizarre and counterproductive ways. For good reason, we repeatedly respond from a place of trauma to prevent further injury, even when a threat does not exist in reality anymore.
Be gentle with your words and actions. Words, in this context, include the thoughts we have and those we direct towards ourselves. It is so common and easy to get stuck in a self-hate talk loop and this, like worry, does nothing to improve the situation. In fact, this habit makes everything worse and 9 times out of 10, it is a lie; or at the very least, it is blown way out of proportion.
Introducing these 3 practices is simple, though not at first easy. The first step to begin shifting towards patience, taking nothing personally, and being gentle with yourself is to simply notice when we are doing the opposite. Notice. Do this for one day or start with just one hour. Notice.
Next, stop. Stop the thought, worry, or aggression in its tracks. Just stop and take a step back. Maybe this means taking a deep breath, going for a walk, taking a shower, or listening to music. Whatever you can do to distract yourself from the negativity. Practice this for a week. Every time you notice the negativity, just stop and distract yourself for a minute…or five.
Finally, begin to integrate patience. Ask yourself:
What could patience offer me in this situation? Remind yourself not to take it personally.
What may I not know about this situation, that if I did, would show me that this has nothing to do with me? Explore being gentle.
How could I say/think about this in a way that is gentle and loving?
Slowly and assuredly, you will begin to feel better about yourself and your relationships, you will begin to trust your own decisions and release the stronghold you have on your beloved. Trust comes with authentic confidence and peace of mind, better sleep, and effortless interactions.
